Launch

Three months ago I launched my firstborn into her college dorm and out of my house. Everyone says how fast life goes but this experience was just shocking. You know your job is to raise a responsible adult that makes good decisions but you don’t like it when it happens. I purposed in my heart to make it fun and exciting and not to be an emotional wreck making her feel guilty for leaving home. We really did have a great time setting up her dorm and I was genuinely excited for her.

What I have learned is the experience of Bonnie being at college has opened up a whole new world for our family. She is a college cheerleader and we have been so proud of her hard work and dedication. Her schedule has been grueling but she is making it work. It has been an amazing experience sitting on the sidelines of your child’s life and watching them live their dream. Bonnie has cheered her entire life and always dreamed of being a college cheerleader. She didn’t think it would happen for her but she never gave up. Instead of loosing Bonnie we have met the most precious young ladies who we already love dearly.

This past week Bonnie came home to stay for a few nights over Thanksgiving break. My heart was full and my peace of mind was at an all time high. I know she will never be as dependent on us again and knows how to live on her own. But there is something indescribable about having all your babies under the same roof, safely tucked in their beds. Our family was whole and I just wanted time to stop and us exist all together with no hectic busy schedule in the way. We resumed staying up late talking and playing some weird text game the kids love. It was simple and magical all at the same time.

I cherished our few days all together more than I can say. I took as many pictures as the kids could tolerate. As I hurried to finish Bonnie’s laundry and helped her pack her car to go back to her dorm, I started feeling myself getting emotional and wanting to cry. I just wanted to keep my girl home forever. I didn’t want to watch her drive away from us back to her new life. I hugged her and let her go and forced myself to contain my emotions.


The reality is I can fight my kids growing up and focus on my loss of them in my daily life or I can embrace every season and not ruin the current state of things. I choose to be grateful that I was blessed with so many wonderful babies and so many special times. I choose to release them when the time comes and not to hold them back for my own comfort. I choose to be thankful that God picked me to be their mom but I am sure counting down until Christmas break comes and my firstborn returns home to us again!

My 18th Mother's Day 2017

Last Thursday was the last regular school day for the senior class of 2017 at Beaches Chapel School, which includes my firstborn, Bonnie!  I haven’t been feeling sentimental or emotional up until this day.  I burst into tears despite my best effort to stay under control and cried on and off all day.  Why am I crying?  I pondered that all day long.  I know this class is very near and dear to my heart but geez!  I could not stop the water works.  I have spent a lot of time with these students.  I see such talent and leadership in this class.  I boo-hooed when I posted the group picture that I took of them and cried when I told my mom about how much I will miss them.  Yes, it’s my first child to graduate from BCS, the place I graduated from 30 years ago.  I get all that but the emotions were ridiculous and inconvenient for sure.

I finally got through the day and got in bed for the night.  Dan was watching a show on TV and I was scrolling through Facebook on my phone.  I read an article a friend posted titled, “What a Mother Really Wants on Mother’s Day” and I thought it would be funny like, “for my kids to leave me alone and clean the house” kind of stuff.  NOPE!  I was wrong.  This article slayed me.  The main point was all mothers want a redo, a chance to go back and be a better mother.  I sat in bed with tears dripping off my chin in the dark.  The article put the finger on why I am weepy.  Although Bonnie has turned out better than I ever could have hoped and has been such a blessing to mother, I know I could have been there more for her.  I know I put too much work on her with me being pregnant and nursing for a solid decade.  I wish I would have slowed down, laughed more, worried less and enjoyed raising her more than I did.  I was too tired, too stressed, too overwhelmed much of her life.   The article ended with saying that all mother’s need GRACE.  Amen to that!

The next day, I was recounting this article to my dear friend Tina and again burst into tears telling her about it.  She had a young adult friend in her office that blessed me so much, more than she realizes.  She quietly started speaking into my life and saying that God never called parents to be perfect.  He told us to lead our children to God.  She praised me at how successful I have been because my kids know the Lord and that He is all they really need in life.  He is the answer to all their questions and the one who will never leave them or forsake them.  I have thought about that for days and have settled my heart on this truth.  I haven’t been perfect but I introduced all my babies to the perfect One that will heal all of lives hurts.  I have faithfully kept them in church and showed them where our hope lies. So to all you mommy’s out there, beating yourself up, feeling like a failure, give yourself grace, lead your kids to the God and the perfect one will fill in all of our parenting gaps!  Thank you Lord!