A New Chapter 2021

Never in my life would I have imagined I would leave all I know in my 50’s and start out on a new adventure.   I still wake up some days in shock.  I also would not have believed we are living through a pandemic that has taken so many people.  Life is strange but wonderful.  

I learned so much about myself and my faith as I reflect on the past couple of years. This is rare because I like to stay future focused and not look back. The main thing I am relieved about is that I did not loose my faith when people of faith who I love failed me.  I cringe when I think about those long, tormenting nights when the enemy of my soul crushed me with panic, fear and hopelessness.  I celebrate that I did what I knew to do, what I trained for…I battled.  I interceded. I worshiped. I used the armor of God…every piece of it, to survive the doubts and the voices in my head.  I sought help.  I humbled myself and acknowledged that I needed a counselor to survive with me intact.  I regret not finding one sooner.

I am thankful that I have a husband that after 27 years of being together, STILL thinks I am the smartest person he knows.  His unending pep talks, reminders, advice and the clarity he brought was life saving.  He has no idea how many nights I swirled around in my head his suggestion of selling it all and moving to Montana.  I wanted to run away more than anyone knows. His faith in me and my calling has been unending.  He combated every lie that I was plagued with in the night.  This is marriage at it’s finest.

I am blessed that my five children stand on their own faith with their own strong opinions of right and wrong.  I am relieved that they still believe that God is good after being pastor’s kids since birth and living the reality of ministry life.  I am grateful they gave me the courage and permission to walk away from all they knew also.  I am overwhelmed that God trusted me so much to give me so many kids being the complete hot mess of a mother that I am.  They have grown into my best friends who have cheered me on through transition.

I am so thankful that I have my mom, my big family and sweet friends who propped me up, spurred me on, who challenged me, who yanked me up and forced me to remember the truth that I was born for such a time as this and that I was well able to do all God was calling me to do. God did not give me a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind.  I have seen what true loyalty looks like and the importance of the right team who is strong and courageous. Trench friends are the best friends.

At the end of our life, Christians pray that we walked out what we have learned.  Have we walked the talked and not just talked the talk?  I have shared countless messages of God’s plan, mission, purpose, and destiny.  Did I really believe it?  Could I truly believe that the best is still yet to come like I told so many?   I feel like on the downward slide of my life, that I am just now stepping out in faith, living on the edge like the Host with the Most challenged us to do.  I am still living everyday hoping/praying I don’t turn into the train wreck who is always looming right under it all. 

I grimace at the thought of going through what I am still coming out of but what I know, not hope, not believe, is that my God is faithful and true, that he never left me or forsook me, not for a moment.  The worship songs I filled my ears with in the dark nights are true that He took what the enemy meant for evil and He turned it for good.   All my life He has been faithful.  All my life He has been so, so good.  

I am stunned that God seems to have led me to a place where the original visions he put deep in my heart are actually going to become a reality.  Visions other’s mocked.  Visions other’s rejected.   Visions that felt like they were just there to torment and taunt me.  Visions of changing the world. 

I see and feel God gathering His army, those who will truly fight arm in arm, back to back, to combat what is unfair, subversive, evil and wrong.  It is time.  It is time to wage the war for the next generation.  It is time to lay it all on the line and go after it.  It is time to be uncomfortable.  It is time to walk in faith and not by sight.  It is time to stop making excuses about resources, age, gender, knowledge or experience.  It’s time to draw a line and to take back our land that the enemy has casually snatched from us.  It’s time to remember the point of it all…Freedom!  

“The spirit of the Lord is upon me because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.”  Luke 4:18-19