WE ARE SPARTANS!

FOUR YEARS!  It seemed like a never-ending, far reaching, distant and unattainable dream. Opening our new upper school and gymnasiums has been as surreal as surreal can be.  The moment has been a little lost in my mental exhaustion but seeing students in our gym last night was definitely a milestone moment of shock and awe. 

When I started my job as Executive Director at Cornerstone Classical Academy, I was at the lowest point of my life.  Our Founder, Lindsay who is a former youth group kid of mine, loved me back to a good mental place.  She believed in me and has hyped me for four years.  She has defended me, promoted me and has been the best partner in all the good that I could ever have.  She allowed me to lead with no question, she trusted my judgement and together we prayed this school to where it is today.  No question that our success is only because of FAITH and the God of the universe ordained it.  

We are normal, local, non-classically trained ladies who love Jesus more than anything and believe in miracles.  We believe we are born for such a time as this…we will work and fight for the next generation until death.  Are we more exhausted than we have ever been…YES!!  Are we going to sit back and enjoy the accomplishment of our school…NO!  We are already hustling to build the first charter school in Nassau County in the Wildlight Community!  We will go where God opens doors!!  We are fighting to save our country!

Last night as I watched my 5^th baby, Eddie play at the first basketball game in our new gym, I remembered that my first son, Bubba played the first game in the last gym that we built ten years ago. How crazy!  I promised my two boys they would have a home gym and by God’s power, that promise was kept.  The only thing that could have made last night better was if my Dad was sitting in the stands with my mom cheering on my boy!  

Four years ago, we kicked off the fundraising campaign for our gym.  Our family gave the first donation to the gym campaign, the Spartan 300 and set reoccurring monthly giving.  We accidentally and miraculously gave enough to qualify to name a room in our new building.  My bestie Carrie pulled the donation records so we could contact those who qualified, and I’ll never forget her face telling me my family was on the list. I was shocked because it's been a struggle raising five children.  It showed me the power of small, consistent, monthly giving. 

I was so honored to name the Cornerstone Gym lobby after my wonderful father, Stan Smith. To know him was to love him.  He was taken too soon from us, but his legacy of faith, family and love of basketball will live on forever at Cornerstone.  He met my mom because he joined the Baptist church basketball league and became a member of the youth group.  Our family found faith and has a generational blessing because of basketball.  That is the reason I am so passionate about athletics.  It changed our family forever!  I can only imagine the athletes that will have a blessed future because of what we have built at Cornerstone.  May God always bless and use our facilities for His glory.

We also hosted a blood drive in our cafeteria gym to give back to our community.  So many Cornerstone families showed up and because of their donation, saved lives!  Many of my friends and family gave blood for the first time, pushing past their fears.  It was so beautiful to see!  My great nephew Jack who is fighting cancer, felt good enough to come to the basketball game.  I know God will use my nephew Britt's families suffering to bless so many through awareness and research.  God always uses our pain for His grand purpose if we allow Him.

The other amazing thing that I sit here and reflect on is the most incredible team God has assembled at Cornerstone.  I arrived and it was just our principal and myself that first summer.  It was spooky in that big building.  Slowly but surely, God started calling the right team together.  I truly believe my Admin team, Facility team and teachers are the best there is.  The love they show for our school and the care they give it is the most beautiful thing of all. Working at CCA is not a job for us, it is truly a calling.  

Dream Team doesn’t even begin to describe how we all work together.  I will be forever grateful to each one of them for their commitment and dedication. It would have been so much easier to go to a built school with all the necessary classrooms and facilities. I will never forget last night at our first event in our incredible new gym watching the concession stand run, watching players and cheerleaders on the court, the stands filled with students of all ages and our Spartan fans cheering!  

Our miracle school is built, but the miracles will keep coming to Cornerstone because we dedicated this school to the Lord.  It is written in the foundation of both buildings "JESUS IS LORD!" Our school is built on the Chief Cornerstone, Jesus Christ and he will always receive the praise and the glory for our success! 

“…A tested stone, a precious cornerstone a sure foundation, the one who believes will be UNSHAKEABLE!” Isaiah 28:16

 

Bubba's Way

The song by Frank Sinatra, “I did it my way…” sums up Bubba’s life!  Bubba has never been like his peers.  He has been an old, wise soul since he was a baby. Never foolish, always so focused, and independent.  I wouldn’t call him antisocial necessarily, but he is so at peace being solitary.  I always admire him because he has so many characteristics, I wish I had been given.  I would LOVE to take credit as his mom, but he is so unique and honestly reminds me of my dad.  He brings wisdom and peace to the rooms he enters.  When faced with disappointments he is resilient and never bitter. He led with his quiet strength and gathered friends for life.  When any of his friends from childhood need him, he is there.  He has always led them to Jesus, as a kid with VBS, to youth group and now as an adult to church.  Parenting him was such a joy. 

Bubba becomes an expert on whatever he focuses on and sounds like an encyclopedia when he discusses a topic he is interested in.  Unless you want a serious deep dive into all the things football, don’t ask him a question about a player, a team, or the draft.  When he gets going, I am so lost.  I am pretty sure he has never forgotten one detail on any player, even the ones before he was born. Don’t EVEN try to play sports trivia with him. You will lose and lose BAD! It’s impressive to say the least.

One funny story was when we were scrambling to get the seven Wogs to church, and I heard Bubba enthusiastically talking in his room.  I stomped in there to tell him to hurry up and he shushed me and whispered he was on sports radio.  He was like 10-years-old….  He was ranting on who he thought was the best tennis player in the world, and intelligently disagreeing with the sportscaster…WHAT?  I went and asked Dan, when did he become a tennis expert??  Who knew?

I shouldn’t have been surprised that he would be unconventional with his marriage.  Bubba doesn’t like hoopla and just wanted to begin his life with high school sweetheart, Emily with no big fanfare.  On Leap Day, February 29, 2024, just Bubba and Emily went to the clerk of court and quietly got their marriage license.  Boom his new life began privately, just the way he wanted it.  Thankfully, we did get to have a fun family dinner with his favorite, Taco Lu, so at least I got a new picture with our new addition to the family!  

To say I am proud of my son is such an understatement.  I am feeling mostly thankful for the choices Bubba made in his life.  He was unlike any teenager I have known, and my life’s work has been working with teenagers in some capacity.  I admire his inner strength and fortitude.  When he believes in something, he is all in.  When he was campaigning for a presidential election, he stayed out on the side of the road long after I left.  I drove down to where he was after dark to check on him and he wouldn’t come home until the polls closed.  I love his patriotism and that he knows more about our country and politics than most adults I know.   He gives me hope for our country!  

He has recently blessed me with a grandpup, Doug Pederson Wohlgemuth (named after the Jag coach). He is quite the dog dad.  Bubba is so strict but DougieP is so well trained. For some reason I am not allowed to babysit. LOL! I know he will make an amazing Dad one day!  It has been a true honor to be his mom and to watch him grow into a respected, loved and admired young man.  I am not sure I know anyone who doesn’t love Bubba.  I think everyone will agree, to know Bubba is to love Bubba. I just pray he always stays true to Bubba's Way!

Go Dawgs!

Sometimes you have all the feelings, on all the things and they just keep swirling around and you never wrap your brain around them.  That has pretty much been my adult life with five kids.  SO. MANY. FEELINGS.

 

Last weekend we moved our baby girl to college. Her main goal from the time she started swimming was to swim in college.  Since I have been home from moving her in UGA, all I want to do is to lie down but life must go on.  The journey has been exhausting.  The highs and lows so extreme.  Here’s a highlight reel of the LONG 12 year journey.

 

Annie grew too fast and was super klutzy. She loved playing soccer but spent more time pummeling people and falling down.  She had this crazy competitive drive and her doctor suggested getting her into swimming that would be safer for everyone!  I can only doggy paddle so I was at a loss about how to do that.  

As fate would have it, I ran into my Young Life leader and was catching her up on my fam.  She happened to be a beginner swim coach at the nearby swim club. She had Annie come to her back yard and learn the strokes.  Her son was a college swimmer and on Annie’s first lesson, she stopped, went inside to her get her son who was home to watch Annie’s backstroke.  Her little arms looked like propellers.  I’ll never forget what she said that day, “Watching Annie swim, is like watching water ballet!”  This cracked me up because Annie secretly dropped herself out of ballet class when she was 4 years old!

As Annie grew as a swimmer, I see how God brought coaches into her life at the right time. Coach Lisa was one of those coaches.  She was stationed at Mayport and took Annie and her swim friend Evan under her wing.  She is such a huge part of training them to be college swimmers. She is the one who told us about qualifying times for higher level meets and that Annie had several.  We were not aware at the time but she traveled with both our families to big meets on her own dime because she saw their talent.  She bought Annie her first tech suit because her clueless parents didn’t even know there was such a thing.  She would take the kids to the base to train in their amazing long course pool.  Coach Lisa became a part of our forever swim family.  She has moved all over the world but still shows up for our kids.  I look forward to seeing her soon at the UGA meets cheering for our girl!

When Annie was a young champion breaststroker we left at the crack of dawn and drove her and Bubba to Miami for a swim meet in the morning and a basketball game in the afternoon.  We watched the Miami swimmers come out in their college logoed gear, the parkas, the caps and the SHOES!!!  Always the shoes!  

Dan lost his mind when I said I wanted to get a picture of Annie with the swim team and he was like please (insert eye roll).  Has he learned nothing about me?  God always helps me with this type of thing.  I went to the bookstore next to the pool and he called me (I’m sure annoyed) and said that there was a swim mom getting a team picture and this might be my opportunity.  The college girls were so sweet to Annie and hyped her up about swimming. We dreamed that one day she could swim at the U.  Welp, she got faster and faster and surpassed that program at the time. June 15, 2021 was the day all hell broke loose for recruiting.  The first school that contacted her was Miami at 12am.   It was a moment for me because I know my Daddy was hanging over the balconies of heaven proud as a peacock (or an Ibis :) that his beloved school was recruiting his granddaughter.  Man I miss him.

It was a tough winding road to get her to UGA.  Learning all the things. So much praying about what to do. Changing swim clubs, changing schools, surviving the Covid shut down while trying to maintain her training, too much stress and anxiety to say the least. I can now look back at the trials and tribulations and see God’s hand helping us through it all but man it makes me cringe to think back. Random things were actually divine appointments.  My brother in law harassed me for YEARS, that I had to move Annie to a new swim club in Ponte Vedra because the coach was legit and he was building a new pool. 

I couldn’t fathom moving her because she was having such success.  I partnered with a tennis coach and he introduced me to Coach Gus Calado…the same coach my brother-in-law wanted us to meet! It was destiny! I mentioned my daughter swam and he was like great. Then he watched a video of her IM and said a strong expletive and then started telling me where she could cut time with her technique.  Dan took her for a private lesson and the rest was history.  IMMEDIATELY she was cutting so much time because he coached her for her individual skill set.  I was so nervous like a junior high girl moving her to a new swim club. Annie was determined like a boss lady and so brave…much more than I was. The Planet Swim families were so welcoming to us.  They were thrilled because with Annie they would now have a relay team!  Those first families helped grow that swim team from a handful of swimmers to a high level, respected swim program. Annie was meant to find Coach Gus.  

I won’t even start about the recruiting process.  I won’t even get into what it does to the athlete. A wise friend of an older swimmer told me the perfect analogy…it’s like going through Sorority Rush on steroids. That was an understatement. I have never been so thankful for Dan who prepped Annie, our only introvert child, how to deal with the onslaught.  It was not for the faint of heart.  I sure wish it didn’t start so young and without parent involvement.  Annie got to know so many wonderful coaches along the way but “breaking up” with them when decision time came almost broke her.

 

Our family has always loved the Dawgs but that school seemed out of reach for Annie.  Well, she had a break out swim at states the fall of her junior year and that elevated her to another level.  She had verbally committed and was at peace with her decision until the coaches she connected with left the program.  I almost died when she popped out one day that she wasn’t sure anymore that’s where she wanted to go…..I freaked out and not because I already had every spirit wear item that existed.  I freaked out because the process was so hard on her and I dreaded opening the door again BUT…her wise Daddy supported her and helped her through the ordeal.  

When we arrived in Georgia, it was a different world.  Dan and I had personal notes from the coaches and they immediately made us feel a part of the Dawg family.  You could feel the priority and support that all athletic teams have at UGA. Sitting at the football game, and seeing a runner on the screen about the upcoming swim meet blew our mind.  We were so honored to have a personal tour from the legend Coach Harvey who had me crying multiple times on the tour about the Dawg legacy. I had no idea that the University of Georgia received their charter in 1785, making UGA the first chartered public university in the United States. My extreme patriotism and love of history was soaring! 

As fate would have it, there was a coaching change and a Brazilian coach who was a UGA Alum and a backstroke specialist was hired right before we visited.  Coach Fernando felt like home for us since Annie had been coached by several Brazilian coaches at Planet Swim.  She had even worked on learning some Portuguese so she would know what the coaches were saying about the swimmers on the pool deck. :)  It took me about 10 minutes on campus to text my coworker and tell her that I didn’t know what Annie was going to decide but I was going to be a Dawg. I told her to pack up our offices and head to Athens LOL!!  

 

Thankfully I was out of town at a conference the day Annie was going to make her decision.  I could not have handled the stress.  I will never forget the text message I got from her…”Imma gonna be a Dawg!”  I think I started ordering UGA spirit wear in the next 10 seconds!!  Needless to say, we had an extreme Dawg Christmas last year! 

On the national signing day, our sweet swim team mom helped plan a precious time for Annie at her home pool.  She would be a part of the school ceremony with all the athletes but they wanted to recognize Annie individually and her accomplishments. A relative of the family who the UGA pool is named after came and spoke about the history of the pool.  Childhood friends, family, coaches and swim team families honored our girl and we felt so blessed. 

As a mom, you are proud of weird things that no one knows.  I have flashbacks of my baby girl who I worried so much about.  I have trauma from all the things she has gone through that can still make me cry.  As I listened to her give speech after speech this past year at all the things, I marveled at the faithfulness of God.  From a baby child that was never suppose to talk to this amazing young lady who is articulate and poised.  Proud doesn’t encompass my feelings.  Shock and Awe is more accurate.

I am thankful to Maggie who drove with Annie to UGA. You can always count on Mags to bring the hysteria and fun.  She helped slap Annie’s massive, private room together like a boss lady and walked the bazillion hills with her fit self with no problem. I am annoyed that she wouldn’t let me spend more time and money in the LARGE UGA spirit store inside Walmart but it’s probably for the best so we will have money for food!

We are so excited to be a part of the Dawg family and so thankful to Coach Stef for making this possible for our baby girl.  We promise to show up, to volunteer, to pray, to cheer with all our hearts and to squeeze every ounce of joy out of the next four years.  I know life is a blur as I turned off that blasted country song “Don’t Blink” two times on our trip to Athens.  I determined for us not to make this sad but to have a ball and we did.  Dan even fit in a golf game at the UGA golf course with his new best friend Brandon!  

I am filled with so much expectation of all the goodness to come.  Will it be hard?  Of course but our Baby girl works harder than anyone I’ve seen and has always stood alone if necessary to stay focused. I would love to give Dan and I credit for her awesomeness but I know myself too well. It’s all Jesus. I admire her strength, grit and resilience that I don’t possess.  I'll never forget a swim mom offer me a Xanax right before Annie swam as a young swimmer.  Lord the swims that had me all stressed out!  We have leaned on Jesus and the prayers of so many. 

As a family, we are beyond grateful to all the countless people who have encouraged, hyped, helped, cheered, prayed, coached and loved our precious baby girl.  Dan’s face says it all in the face time pic of Annie showing us her first college UGA swim cap. We ALL worked hard for that cap. The amount of time we spent driving her twice a day all over this city for her to swim was massive but a true privilege to spend that large amount of time with her.  Although we did suffer from extreme road rage on occasion that I am sorry about but I wouldn’t trade that time for the world! We have confidently turned her over to the UGA swim program and truly believe the best is yet to come!  Go Sic ‘Em Baby Girl and Go Dawgs!! 

 

Traditions

Wrapping up a year is a reflective time.  Time is a blur and I admit I have stared at my Christmas card collage a few times and was like, “We survived all this?”  It’s been quite an epic and busy year.  Not that any year in the life of the Wogs is calm or boring.  Wogs and calm are never said together!

Historically with all five kids, I have dreaded Christmas.  Not in a grinch kind of way but in a “We Broke!” kind of way.  When you are trying to be “Santa” and keep Christmas magical, it tends to get pricey.  It’s not that our kids ask for outrageous gifts. It’s just the amount of kids asking.  Once reality kicked in with the kids, we could have honest conversations like, “Are you out of your freakin’ mind?” when gift requests were ridiculous.  There is a wonderful relief when the Santa façade is over.  Although shopping for gifts at the Dollar Tree was fantastic!

 

Instead of lamenting how big the kids are and how sad it is that they are grown, I will celebrate the joys.  Before I had kids, a wise older mom of one of my youth group kids told me something I have never forgotten. I asked her if she was sad her daughter was now in youth group already and she said, “Absolutely not!  I made a decision to celebrate every stage of her life!”  I have tried to do the same each time that sadness starts to creep in my heart when my huge children are listening to questionable rap music and driving away into danger in the cars, we bought them.  

 

As the kids have aged, the time of present opening is later which I LOVE!!!  It’s a peaceful, sweet time of Dan and I listening to Christmas music and sometimes staring at a fire depending on the weather.  Dan and Annie LOVE Christmas music and may or may not listen year around. Dan asked Annie if she was worried that her college roommate wouldn’t like all the Christmas music and Annie may be most stressed about that possible situation.

 

I have never enjoyed cooking.  It’s an annoying ordeal.  I think maybe I could have if I had less mouths to feed.  It’s always been a stressor for me because they want to eat all the time.  Thankfully God is merciful, and kind and Maggie is a fantastic, wing it kind of cook.  She slaps together food in the spirit of my sister Sharri and my mom.  It seems effortless and I cheer her on for selfish reasons. Along with her cooking skills, Mags also made straight A’s this semester in college, and I couldn’t be more proud of her!  The kids got Dan a gas griddle and Dan said yesterday that it is his most favorite gift….mine too since I am regularly the recipient of the goodness from the griddle.

The biggest change for the Wogs this year was adding a family member! Bonnie and Billy met at 4 and married almost 20 years later!  It was so perfect but way too long of an engagement but such a beautiful, perfect day! The craziest part of the year was Bonnie getting a puppy a month before the wedding. What? That cute little beagle looking, mini-KC looking puppy wreaked some havoc of exhaustion and stress as we wedding prepped. She is super cute but super hyper.  I love my grand pup Penny and try to walk her regularly!

Bonnie had all her siblings over for Festivus and played games for hours. We babysat the dog on the coldest night of the year which was super challenging. Penny didn't seem to notice though! I did buy her the cutest dog jacket ever! Overshadowed by the wedding was the fact that my firstborn graduated with honors with her masters! I am so proud of her and all she went through and how hard she worked! 

Eddie is thriving and seems to keep growing and growing!  He had a surprising, incredible season of football.  His team lost EVERY football game last year and ended up this year winning the WHOLE championship of 38 public charter school.  The saddest thing that happened was Eddie got the stomach flu for the championship, but his team rallied and won anyway!  The most touching moment was his team holding up the trophy screaming “FOR EDDIE!”  Eddie said he cried every time he watched the video…it meant so much to him!  He felt like he was letting down his team.

Dan turned the BIG 50 this December and I surprised him with an overnight stay in Fernandina.  It was so perfect, and the good news is we still love being together after almost 30 years.  I think that is a miracle in itself and a testament to God’s blessings. We have always but God first in our family, training our kids in the way they should go! The kids have had their ups and downs, but they know God is always there for them in times of need.

 

I love traditions but have learned that sometimes they become bondage and stressful. One such tradition is to get and decorate the Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving.  I never meant for it to be a tradition but for Bubba, it’s the law!  This year he stayed behind from the river trip to keep up the tradition.  He may or may not have ripped off the poor young kid at Ace.  The $60 dollar tree is huge, so I am a bit suspicious.  Bubba and Annie decorated the whole yard with lights why we were gone and said they couldn’t find the Christmas lights….I told them they were now in the yard apparently.  So, obviously we had to get new lights for the tree and now it seems to have morphed into a “Go Dawgs” tree.    Bubba started a YouTube show, College Football Cauldron and amazes with me with his football knowledge.  He also graduated from college and is ready to start his life most likely in a sports realm.  He has been dedicated to all things sports from the age of 4!  I know the greatest of days are ahead for him! 

 

Speaking of the Dawgs.  I am still processing Annie’s switch for college swimming to the University of Georgia.  It was always her dream to swim there but seemed out of reach.  Annie had a breakout backstroke swim last year so that changed the opportunities for her. Who knew what cutting ½ a second could do for you!  As stressful as the recruiting ordeal is, I can see God’s hand in the whole thing lining things up for our baby girl.  I don’t think it was an accident that UGA hired a Brazilians backstroke specialist right when Annie decides to take the rest of her recruiting visits. (Annie’s coach for the last seven years is Brazilian)  It’s just the right fit and luckily Bubba was prepared for this moment with all his vintage Dawg jerseys and shirts.  

I have always used my beautiful china for Christmas dinner but this year as I was getting ready to set the table. I heard a familiar sound.  I went in the dining room and the kids set up ping pong on my nice dining room table.  My first instinct was to tell them to stop so I could set the table and then I let it all go.  Nope.  Keep playing and have fun.  My china stayed in the cabinet, but the ping pong games went for hours.  Yes, I beat Dan in case you were wondering…. I think knowing when to let traditions go is an important part of life.  Be free and flexible!

 

I really needed a Christmas break for my brain.  It constantly runs. It takes discipline to stop it.  I love my job and the mission behind it, but the pressure is great.  I have never prayed more in my life, and I feel God’s good pleasure on the work we are doing at Cornerstone. Saving the country one prayer at a time.  We are not just shielding kids from the nonsense going on in world, but we are building true leaders….in the adults and students.  An army that will fight for freedom and truth.  I am most grateful that God wasn’t finished with me yet, that He had a surprise deployment for me.  I was born a fighter and a fighter needs a fight.  It’s a worthy one and I believe miracles are on the way because we serve a miracle working God who never sleeps nor slumbers.  He is always working on our behalf and wants to bless us.  I am resting and revving up for a new year of surprises and answered prayers.  Let’s go Spartans and Go Dawgs! 

 

Anniversaries

Milestones, markers, memories, the good, the bad, the ugly, the joy, the sadness, the pain and the healing.  The countdown, survival, progress, growth, relief.  This is what I feel today. When you live through a year and experience every day in a whole calendar year of transition, it’s good to Selah, to praise, to pause, to recognize the moment, to give thanks to God who does not forsake, who is faithful and true and who truly knows what is best.

I have lived through many anniversaries, 52 birthdays, 50 years at the same church, 35 years out of high school, 31 years out of college, 29 years of the same employment, 27 years of marriage, 26 years without my sweet Daddy, 23 years as a mom and now today, 1 year as a Spartan!   I could not be more thankful, more humbled, more awed, more proud than I am today.  My anxieties, doubts and fears did not slay me. My lack, my limitations and my mistakes did not wreck it all.  I am more than a conqueror and well able to do all He has called me to do. God went before me and His gracious hand is upon me. God miraculously assembled every one needed for the new mission and answered the most prayers I have ever prayed. I have confirmed that the devil is a liar; the tormenting voices in the night that I combated were false and powerless and my God is greater!  Through Christ, I am an overcomer.  

 

My advice for anyone who cares is this….TRUST GOD! Perpetually forgive those who betray and lie to you. Shut it out of you brain and pray for God to renew your mind and wipe it all away.  REFUSE to be bitter and DO NOT retaliate.  It takes great discipline to stand still and see the salvation of the Lord.  It is the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life.  

 

Looking forward, I see the miracles that have yet to come. The vision is great. The plan is set and my God will continue to do abundantly more than I could ever ask or think  Will it be easy? Absolutely not!  Will there be pointless, time wasting, ridiculous things to constantly challenge the vision?  Of course!  I expect nothing less than a fierce battle for what is needed to save this country.  Will I stop and give up?  NEVER!  I was made a warrior with a fighting spirit. Other’s tried to squash it calling me combative and unsubmissive….I have always been submitted to my Lord and Savior to do all He has called me to do…. To FIGHT for the next generation of leaders ALWAYS!  To speak the TRUTH and to do the good for as long as I live.   Will it be hard and uncomfortable? YES!  What I see more and more everyday is doors we are not even knocking on, flinging open.  The masses gathering, calling evil, evil and demanding protection and freedom for our children.  How will I survive what is coming?  The same way I have always survived…I will pray and will pray without ceasing because it is not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,' says the LORD Almighty. Zechariah 4:1. SELAH!

A New Chapter 2021

Never in my life would I have imagined I would leave all I know in my 50’s and start out on a new adventure.   I still wake up some days in shock.  I also would not have believed we are living through a pandemic that has taken so many people.  Life is strange but wonderful.  

I learned so much about myself and my faith as I reflect on the past couple of years. This is rare because I like to stay future focused and not look back. The main thing I am relieved about is that I did not loose my faith when people of faith who I love failed me.  I cringe when I think about those long, tormenting nights when the enemy of my soul crushed me with panic, fear and hopelessness.  I celebrate that I did what I knew to do, what I trained for…I battled.  I interceded. I worshiped. I used the armor of God…every piece of it, to survive the doubts and the voices in my head.  I sought help.  I humbled myself and acknowledged that I needed a counselor to survive with me intact.  I regret not finding one sooner.

I am thankful that I have a husband that after 27 years of being together, STILL thinks I am the smartest person he knows.  His unending pep talks, reminders, advice and the clarity he brought was life saving.  He has no idea how many nights I swirled around in my head his suggestion of selling it all and moving to Montana.  I wanted to run away more than anyone knows. His faith in me and my calling has been unending.  He combated every lie that I was plagued with in the night.  This is marriage at it’s finest.

I am blessed that my five children stand on their own faith with their own strong opinions of right and wrong.  I am relieved that they still believe that God is good after being pastor’s kids since birth and living the reality of ministry life.  I am grateful they gave me the courage and permission to walk away from all they knew also.  I am overwhelmed that God trusted me so much to give me so many kids being the complete hot mess of a mother that I am.  They have grown into my best friends who have cheered me on through transition.

I am so thankful that I have my mom, my big family and sweet friends who propped me up, spurred me on, who challenged me, who yanked me up and forced me to remember the truth that I was born for such a time as this and that I was well able to do all God was calling me to do. God did not give me a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind.  I have seen what true loyalty looks like and the importance of the right team who is strong and courageous. Trench friends are the best friends.

At the end of our life, Christians pray that we walked out what we have learned.  Have we walked the talked and not just talked the talk?  I have shared countless messages of God’s plan, mission, purpose, and destiny.  Did I really believe it?  Could I truly believe that the best is still yet to come like I told so many?   I feel like on the downward slide of my life, that I am just now stepping out in faith, living on the edge like the Host with the Most challenged us to do.  I am still living everyday hoping/praying I don’t turn into the train wreck who is always looming right under it all. 

I grimace at the thought of going through what I am still coming out of but what I know, not hope, not believe, is that my God is faithful and true, that he never left me or forsook me, not for a moment.  The worship songs I filled my ears with in the dark nights are true that He took what the enemy meant for evil and He turned it for good.   All my life He has been faithful.  All my life He has been so, so good.  

I am stunned that God seems to have led me to a place where the original visions he put deep in my heart are actually going to become a reality.  Visions other’s mocked.  Visions other’s rejected.   Visions that felt like they were just there to torment and taunt me.  Visions of changing the world. 

I see and feel God gathering His army, those who will truly fight arm in arm, back to back, to combat what is unfair, subversive, evil and wrong.  It is time.  It is time to wage the war for the next generation.  It is time to lay it all on the line and go after it.  It is time to be uncomfortable.  It is time to walk in faith and not by sight.  It is time to stop making excuses about resources, age, gender, knowledge or experience.  It’s time to draw a line and to take back our land that the enemy has casually snatched from us.  It’s time to remember the point of it all…Freedom!  

“The spirit of the Lord is upon me because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.”  Luke 4:18-19